Entry #9 ~ Hello, Goodbye....

Spongebob: “What do you usually do when I’m gone?” 
Patrick: “Wait for you to come back...” 
from the cartoon, Spongebob Square Pants

You know that old saying? The one that talks about absence making the heart grow fonder? Well, sometimes it ends up being true and sometimes it doesn’t. Life is kind of funny that way, isn’t it?

We all have had instances in our lives when someone who is practically in front of us on a daily basis starts to fade away. They’re moving forward and entering a new phase in their life or you have just begun the process of transitioning into something new in yours.

Or they may remain stuck in what seems to be a never-ending circle of anger and frustration or blame at their circumstances while you have made peace with the past and started healing and letting go of Life’s little (or big) transgressions on your happily-ever-after.

It’s nobody’s fault; it’s just the way things are. Stuff happens. Life happens. You suddenly realize that your lives aren’t on the same path anymore, and you silently wish that things could go back to the way things were.

Go back to the way things were before Life got in the way.

Before things got complicated.

Before things got said.

Before things that should have been said remain left unsaid.

It’s called growing up.

Moving on.

Letting go.

It can happen with family, with friends, with your peers. It could be your child, your spouse, or your best friend.

Sometimes it happens by choice; I have had circumstances when I made the conscious decision to let someone go or to ‘uninvite’ them from my life. Sometimes, no matter how much you try to find a way to include a person as a part of your world, their presence is toxic to your physical or emotional health. There are times when I feel bad that I don’t feel all that bad about those people and their absence. There are some people that you are ‘supposed to’ love unconditionally, forgive and do whatever you can to mend fences and move forward. 

Here’s the thing: Sometimes, it’s not that simple. 

Sometimes, no matter how much you try, you can find a way to forgive but it gets really hard to remember to forget. 

Sometimes anger becomes your armor, and that armor the only thing that stands between you and more hurt, more questions, more pain. It isn’t an ideal solution, but sometimes it’s the only solution that makes sense.

There are times when circumstance makes the decision for you. It could be a divorce, someone taking their own life, or a simple misunderstanding that becomes something much bigger than it ever had to be. It’s times like those when you have to make the decision about whether it’s worth the emotional energy and possible heartache to fight whatever demons need to be vanquished in order to change ‘what is’ into something that ‘could be’.

I’ve lost several friends to suicide, to cancer, to accidents; people who I wanted to wait for to come back, even though I knew they never were. 

There have been people who left and people I asked to leave.

And then there are the people who disappear and you’re not really sure if they are gone or if they are somewhere in the shadows and will reappear again at a time of their own choosing.

It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are; there is always some form of grieving.

We mourn the loss; loss of presence, loss of friendship, loss of love, loss of something that was but isn’t anymore.

We go through those infamous five stages of grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”: Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; Acceptance.

Some of us progress through the stages far more quickly than others. Some dwell in the anger stage for a very long time, while others move forward into depression and then acceptance rather quickly. No two people grieve exactly the same.

I’ve learned some valuable lessons about grief and sadness and anger and acceptance during the past twelve years. Through separation and divorce, anger and vulnerability, letting go of fear and the rediscovering of love, I started as one person and find myself a completely different one at the end of all of it. And I’m still changing. It’s a never-ending process.

Author James M. Barrie once said that life is a long lesson in humility; I believe that to be true. I’ve learned that praise that comes from a place of love and affection doesn’t make you vain, it makes you humble. If you open your heart and mind to what life has to impart to you, you can learn humility and rediscover hope.

From this single parent and empty-nester's perspective, Life is full of hellos and goodbyes. Sometimes, they are one and the same. Sometimes, we don’t get the chance to say goodbye. Other times, we don’t recognize a hello and all of a sudden, you happily realize that there is someone in your life that makes you feel as if they’ve always been there. 

I’m not really certain what I’m trying to say here; maybe I’m just thinking out loud. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately – sitting alone with my thoughts or thinking out loud. 

I find myself in a couple of situations that require me to make a decision that I’m really not all that sure I’m ready to make. Or want to. I don’t have my head in the sand as much as my feet are stuck in the mud and I feel like I’m sinking.

When my girls were younger and they were struggling with an answer to a riddle that was complicating their lives, I often told them that the decision not to make a decision was also a decision. You don’t have to go from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’ in a straight line; sometimes, you can decide to rest halfway and catch your breath.

Taking the time to get over one hurdle or jump through one hoop and then taking a moment to get your bearings can often be the best strategy to employ. 

I’ve done that with a particularly difficult situation I’m facing, and as soon as I get through the challenge I’ve accepted, I’ll tackle the next part of the equation. I was never really all that great with numbers, but I’ve learned enough about myself to understand that breaking down a problem in front of you can make the difference between remaining whole and ending up broken yourself.

Divide and conquer, or else the problem can get away from you rather quickly and multiply. It will all add up someday. And guess what? Sometimes, there is no answer as to ‘y’….

Such is my 'dilemma' as a new 'empty-nester...  

Ying and yang.

Happy and sad.

Brave and scared.

But, black and white?

Not.

A.

Chance.

One foot in front of the other... 

The rest will sort itself out....

'Colour outside the lines...'