Slipping Through My Fingers....
Two weeks from tomorrow... She leaves for school in two short weeks...
I've been after her for months to start packing, to clean her room, to get ready to go.
I peeked in there last night and could actually see the carpet; I haven't seen her bedroom floor for months.
I got all misty-eyed.
I don't want to steal her thunder.
I don't want her to lose her excitement about heading off to university.
I don't want to her start worrying about me alone at the house when she should be almost giddy with the sense of adventure.
She's started counting down the days. She is making friends. She is doing what she is supposed to be doing.
Me, on the other hand?
I am doing my best not to let her see the sadness I am feeling.
I am trying very hard not to hug her tightly at random points throughout the day.
I'm resisting the urge to tell her I don't want her to go.
The tears are always there, just below the surface. This is proving to be so much more difficult than I ever thought it was going to be.
Don't get me wrong... I never thought it was going to be 'easy', but I didn't think that I was going to have so much trouble with the reality of surrendering my place in her world to the world at large.
She used to look up at me with complete confidence and an unwavering certainty that I would always have the right answer.
Now she questions almost everything, giving everyone's point of view and opinions equal consideration and weight in her decisions.
She's growing up.
She's growing away.
She's growing.
I used to love counting down to the first day of school.
I loved taking her shopping for new school clothes, for school supplies, for her stylish new 'September shoes'.
It has been very different this time: She'd rather go shopping with her friends for clothes; 'school supplies' now consist of hundred dollar textbooks and decor items for her rez room; and as for shoes? Let's just say that the snazzy ten dollar sneakers from Walmart don't quite meet her expectations or vision anymore.
We'll get through the next two weeks just fine.
I'm mentally and emotionally well beyond the packing and cleaning and paperwork stage now. It's the walking back into an empty house on the evening of 'moving day' that occupies many of my thoughts these days.... One step at a time, I have to keep reminding myself. One step at a time.
She's slipping through my fingers.... one step at a time.
Where did the years go?
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